there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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