i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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