So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
