the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
