As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
