so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
