I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
