Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
