So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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