I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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