I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
