I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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