he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
