Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
