I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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