As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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