she kept yelling 'call me bella'
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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