i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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