My friends, they love my intelligence
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
