My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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