Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
