also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
