I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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