i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
