From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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