Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
