You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
