He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
