I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
