suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
