I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
