Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
