i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Congratulations! We have a period
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