Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
