I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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