is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
