If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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