forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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