I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
