i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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