I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
