The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
