He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
