Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
