Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
