I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
this is an emotional support booty call
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
