1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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