She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
