you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
