Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
